When I was 17 I found myself in a marine recruiting office. Semper Fidelis - Always Faithful. To me it meant no matter how bad things got you hang in there. I had been struggling with depression most of my life and it was a lightbuIb moment. I wasn't supposed to go to college. Before I even applied to college I wanted to be in the military. My grandfather and great grandfather both died in wars. I just thought it was my destiny. My mom vetoed me then and without her blessing as a minor, it was off to college I went.
It's a funny thing going against destiny. I loved being in the military.
I remember one of the few phone calls I had in Afghanistan to my mom I had to lie to her, we had just been shelled pretty bad and she asked if I was safe where I was stationed. I remembered how profound it was to me because I never lied to her, and this wasn't a white lie either. There was a real possibility I was coming home in a box and I couldn't imagine what that would do to her. Ultimately that constant torture she had to endure was that led to me separating from the service.
People look down on the military, and I get it. I didn't care. For a guy who's felt marginalized most of his life, it was the perfect answer. Go somewhere where everything sucks and where a lot of people need help. Help as many people as you can before you die trying. It was a singular purpose and the perfect answer to pull me out of the type of depression I had. (Turns out living like an animal primes your fight or flight instincts like no other)
I am always an idealist at my worst. And even though the military has poisoned me with nihilistic views, there's still a part of me that still wants to be deep down in there with the most unfortunate of us, because often times, even more so now than ever, the most fortunate of us are all that much more unbearable.